Fake tans

Shannon Freese

The sun gives us many wonderful things such as heat, light and energy. One of the things that people may take for granted is the ultra violet ray. Oh, the sweet UV rays that cause cancer also give us the golden-brown toaster strudel look.
Being tan can make an attractive person 10 times more attractive. There are points in time where a tan can make a person less attractive, but it’s only in one scenario: fake tans.
The best thing about fake tans is that the people with them either don’t realize their tan is noticeably fake or are completely embarrassed by the level of fakeness. There’s a simple way to tell these two people apart. The people who don’t realize the orange-ness of their skin accept compliments graciously. The people who do realize the orange-ness accept comments reluctantly, usually following their acceptance with an “I know it’s bad.”
There are so many different types of fake tans, and they’re all blatantly obvious. My least favorite is the tanning lotion. It’s really easy to miss spots with, and it makes tans really uneven — especially if the user doesn’t know how to apply it correctly. So not only are its users orange, but also splotchy as if they’ve had an allergic reaction. It’s really gross. Besides, if the lotion-er is that desperate and that lazy, he deserves the quality that the lotion gives them.
The other type is the spray tan. I, personally, don’t know anything about spray tans except for what I’ve heard about them. From what I’ve heard, they’re hard to maintain and hard to get done well. And in order to get a good one, you’ll be paying for a good one.  When I encounter someone who has used a spray tan, I can usually tell right away by the orange on their cuticles.
Congratulations, the world officially knows they’ve been sprayed. There’s no splotchy, but actually worse — the tan’s pure orange.
In the end, the best way to tan is to lie out in the sun. It sucks, and it’s timely and it’s honestly hard work. But it’s worth it. It’s better than lathering layers of lotion on.
Today, I hate fake tans.
By Shannon Freese