The price is right: Will pay to play for my children


Art by Isabel Thoroughman

Katie Whaley

Why is everyone mad at Lori Laughlin? She was doing what every parent should for his or her children. What is criminal is not her behavior; rather, that she might go to prison for paving the way for Olivia Jade and that other daughter.
There’s nothing more beautiful than a parent illegally plotting with a million-dollar institution to receive vicarious satisfaction. Such aspersions were the case when parents of more than 50 individuals allegedly bribed, lied and canoodled with the highest ranking colleges in the nation.
The extraordinary exchange shone a light on their brilliance: success is not measured in foolish merit but in the golden hush money spread to the pockets of educational heroes.
Those parents knew thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours working a job amount to nothing compared to a degree from Georgetown. They put everything on the line to ensure their kids’ success. Isn’t sacrifice and commitment what parenthood is all about? Those so-called “scandals” are indisputable acts of unconditional love.
Irrefutably, a human being’s worth in life equates to his or her university status. Kids who attend community colleges serve no purpose to this Earth besides increasing the release of carbon dioxide when they die. Those at much more expensive and distinguished universities should receive endless praise like puppies do, as they have obviously earned a spot at the table next to Jesus.
Every parent should know the significance of collegiate status and absorb that information with extreme haste, hostility and initiative. Rich families should, of course, buy their way into whatever school as they would on a weekend shopping trip.
Families in the minority that are not millionaires should act much like any person on Black Friday; every day parents should fight each other in admission’s offices of high-profile universities for the golden opportunity.
Videos of stampedes of parents trampling and hitting each other to get golden “You’re admitted!” tickets should saturate Instagram feeds and Twitter threads. There’s nothing more American than a parent whacking a teenager to achieve the American Dream.
Even losers to the fights, parents should not give up. There are more ways to honestly earn a spot into top universities, such as blackmail, psychological manipulation and seduction. If parents love their children, as a divorced dad does a stray dog, they would do a combination of all three of these things simultaneously to ensure their kids’ success.
Parents should have full control over their children’s lives all the time, as they know what’s best for their kids like a farmer knows for their crops.
They must attend school with their kids every day to complete their daily assignments and tag-team on tests. Play their football games and golf matches for them and perform their playing tests and concerts to score all A’s. Children cannot be trusted to make good decisions, as they are too young and dumb. Parents, however, never make mistakes.
Better yet, hospitals should cut out baby’s tongues the day they’re born as their parents will always be with them and speak for them anyway. There’s no purpose for a child to have any different desire than their parents’.
For now, we must protect the 50-some millionaires who bulldozed the kids’ way into elite colleges (and University of San Diego). We should erect statues in their honor. All they wanted was what’s best for their kids.
At whatever cost.
What lengths would you go to for your child’s education? Let us know in the comments below!