Standard psychology curriculum includes an idea of psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a theory that lays out what Maslow believed to be the fundamental needs for every human being. He includes the idea of self-esteem and self-love and argues that each person needs to feel confident and regard him or herself in a high manner.
Esteem is something that many in the United States lack; eight million Americans suffer from serious psychological distress, a blanket term that describes “feelings of sadness, worthlessness and restlessness.” These words can easily apply to common mental illnesses like depression and anxiety respectively, which almost one in five teens will experience before adulthood.
In addition, a survey by stageoflife.com reported that 95 percent of teens felt inferior at some point in their lives, with almost 50 percent also admitting to having a low self-esteem. These statistics don’t surprise school counselor Lesley Kersha, as she believes society is “constantly telling us we’re not enough,” and that message can negatively affect teenagers.
“It’s complicated, especially for teenagers. For adults, we see this all the time; people end relationships all the time as adults,” Kersha said. “As a teenager, you’re still figuring out who you are. Your brain is still developing [and] there is this added pressure of fitting in with peers, and there’s just a lot of extra stuff that high schoolers are carrying that relationships at the high school level, can be very, very challenging.”
Romantic relationships can be difficult to maintain regardless of age, Kersha said; seventy percent of straight, unmarried couples break up within a year. Psychologist Shainna Ali believes that this is because of people placing high expectations on their significant other to be perfect and completely reliable. She works with a variety of clients to better their mental health, emphasizes this and stresses that self-love is not selfish.
“If you have this distorted view that self-love is selfish, then you think that self-love is going to hinder your relationship because you’re going to think you’ll have it be biased or one-sided, but it’s exactly the opposite,” Ali said. “I like to give this metaphor — if you’re in an airplane, the stewards in the beginning often give you the worst case scenario of ‘If you need oxygen, make sure you put your mask on before you help your loved ones.’ They emphasize, ‘It doesn’t matter if it’s your child or your partner — help yourselves first so you can help others.’ We cannot fully be present and capable [in a] relationship if we don’t love ourselves.”
Senior Britton Stamps agrees with Ali, who says that it’s sometimes more important do what is best for yourself. As a child, Stamps was expected to run track and field just as his older sister had excelled in. Playing soccer, however, is what made him truly happy. In the end, he chose his own enjoyment over the expectations around him.
“Self-love isn’t necessarily being selfish and I feel like people feel like that’s what it is,” Stamps said. “Self-love is more about making sure you enjoy your own life without an insane amount of pressures.”
Through self-love, one can balance their emotions and actions and be able to help out other people who need it. Kersha cautions that people who don’t love themselves will try to seek out that love elsewhere, whether in other people or illegal substances or acts.
“In relationships, showing up as fully as possible takes a lot of self-knowledge, self-acceptance and self-love, and if you don’t have those things, the way you show up in the relationship is going to be from a place of lack, and you’re going to look to the other person to fill that,” Kersha said. “Nobody else can fill it for anyone — only ourselves.”
Because people look to others to fill the hole that self-love would fill, Ali said the inevitability of the hole failing to be mended can cause common relationship problems. Those with low self-esteem can distort how they view their significant other and panic over little things that others wouldn’t think twice about.
“I think many people have relationship issues that tend to recycle and repeat. If we’re not taking care of ourselves, if we’re not reflecting, if we’re not being self-aware and trying to take care of ourselves and grow, then you’re going to have the same issues over and over,” Ali said. “This is really for any sort of dynamic — I think this applies to any type of relationships. Of course, the more love that is expected, like in a romantic relationship or a parental relationship, then self-love is really helpful in your ability to love others.”
Stamps suggests to focus on what one enjoys in order to build self-love. The lack of it can come from a variety of sources, such as from a home environment or having been bullied. Ali said that, to rebuild self-esteem and self-love, a person must recognize it is missing first and not see it as a failure.
“It’s not that self-love requires a push for better, but when we recognize that we have areas that might be seen as weaknesses,” Ali said. “If we can see those as opportunities for growth and instead of beating ourselves up about it, we can accept it, then, perhaps, if we wish, [we can] also work toward growing in that domain and taking that opportunity.”
 
Developing self-love is important, with most ideas saying to take time to nurture one’s self and explore areas to discover what makes one happy. Ali warns, however, that while it may help the mind feel at ease, staying in one’s comfort zone and not doing uncomfortable things doesn’t help with growth.
“There’s a really distorted view of self-care as something good you do for yourself, but I don’t really believe you need to become a master of meditation or plan an extravagant vacation to some paradise place to be able to care for yourself,” Ali said. “There’s things that you can do on a smaller scale, too. For some people, self-care can be as simple as personal hygiene. It’s not always the things that are seen positively. Self-care also includes things that can be difficult. It can include accountability and going to get help. Those things are not easy to do, but that encompasses self-care too.”
Kersha echoes this, as well. She says RBHS tries to provide as many ways as possible for students to test themselves, examples being difficult classes or the plethora of clubs, while still providing a safe space.
“One of the ways we build self-esteem is by actually meeting challenges head-on and seeing, ‘Oh yeah, I can do these things,’ [like] getting out of our comfort zones and doing things like joining clubs and developing strong, personal relationships,” Kersha said. “That doesn’t mean having 50 friends or acquaintances or social media [followers], but just having a small group of really good friends. A lot of times, the best way for people to learn how to love themselves is to see people modelling that, and that does kind of go back to parents in the home, but teachers and adults in the building can also model that.”
Only the student knows what is truly best for him or her, Kersha said, depending on circumstances in life past and present. The journey of self-love is highly individualized, but Ali points out seven key components that contribute to the overall concept that is loving yourself.
“I really think it’s helpful to think about the different aspects that contribute to self-love because you can maybe be better in one aspect than another, but either way contributing to one helps improve your self-love. I see [these aspects] as self-awareness, self-exploration, self-care, self-esteem, kindness, respect and growth.”
As long as someone is working in an aspect that works, Ali said it will help in terms of developing self-love. Practices like therapy can help a person determine what exactly works best, Ali said.
“I truly believe it’s possible and beneficial for everyone [to develop self-love.] Now, in saying that, there’s not a one-size-fits-all; self-love is a very subjective practice,” Ali said. “There’s not a 100 percent [method] that works for everyone. The process is kind of reflecting on what suggestions are given and making it your own. Of course, there are considerations that people may struggle [with] more than others.”
For example, Ali suggests to her clients that journaling one’s thoughts and emotions can help in developing self-awareness, but it also might not help at all; it truly depends on the individual.  Regardless, Ali, Kersha and Rentschler all say self-love is crucial to living authentically.
“All of our actions stem primarily from our beliefs about ourselves, from our beliefs about the world, from our beliefs about our place in the world,” Kersha said. “If we don’t love ourselves, then a lot of our actions are gonna be based out of fear, self-loathing and just [that] negative space. In my mind, figuring out how to love yourself is some of the most important work we can do.”