A true friend and companion of all Bruins has joined the great study group in the sky. RBHS AP Student lived a short and stressful life. She was described by her friends as “tired,” “cranky” and “like really, really stressed out. Like dude, she skipped Scary Movie 37 to study. What the heck?”
Medics arrived at the scene to find her crushed under three textbooks, an iPad and her own expectations for her academic performance. The autopsy later showed dangerous amounts of coffee and Zaxby’s chicken fingers in her system from earlier attempts to spend a week straight at school studying.
“There were pencils and papers everywhere,” medics on scene said, “she was still white-knuckling her iPad and I don’t think she had cleaned out her backpack since freshman year.”
She is survived in death by two of her friends who as of last year permanently “literally can’t even.” She is also succeeded by her immediate family who have not seen her since August.
“We miss her dearly,” her family said. “We don’t know if any can ever fill the hole in our heart left by no longer getting to brag about our daughter’s 4.0 and ACT scores.”
Her parents said the death could have been foreseen. In her freshman year, she was diagnosed with manic perfectionism; symptoms include loss of AUTs and clouded perception of B pluses. She displayed other worrying symptoms, such as extreme exhaustion, sweatpantus wearius (the unusually frequent appearance of sweat pants and other pajamas in daily wardrobe) and monthly spending on Rockstar energy drinks that began to eclipse the cost of her car insurance.
“The official cause of death was cranial combustion, so like, her brain actually exploded,” said a Boone County coroner. “Like, do y’all remember the slime stuff that Nickelodeon poured on kids? That was what her brain looked like.”
She was an exemplary student involved in more extracurriculars than this publication could physically publish in a single issue. Upon further investigation on which of these extracurriculars she actually enjoyed and which were just for her resume, no one was available for comment.
She will be dearly missed by her friends and peers. Her friends recall their last moments of drinking coffee or softly sobbing into Tindall together, and they wish they could have really relished their time with her before her untimely cranial combustion.
“Wait, what do you mean her head exploded?” A peer in one of her honors classes said. “Are you kidding me? I was gonna copy her homework third hour. Now what am I gonna do?”
A funeral will be held in the library a week from Thursday. Her grave will be dedicated in her favorite parking spot in the north lot with a headstone inscribed as follows; as she slept in class, she sleeps forever.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that money be donated to her sibling’s college and AP class fund. Her parents plan on simply making her sibling into a smaller academic replica of her, and hope that funds for even more extracurriculars and classes can help the family as it heals.
“Dang.” Her sibling said. “Just… well… um… dang.”
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