So, maybe staying up until 1 a.m. finishing Chilling Adventures of Sabrina wasn’t my best decision. I was so caught up in the show that I didn’t notice the time until I was done. No spoilers or anything, but I think I might be just a little bit obsessed. With an excited mind and a tired body, I drifted easily into sleep. I had planned to wake up around 9:30 a.m., so when my alarm went off, I didn’t worry about hitting the snooze button to get five more minutes of shut eye. Apparently five minutes actually means an hour. The next time I remember opening my eyes, I saw it was nearly 11 a.m.

After tossing off my sheets and shaking the sleep from my mind, I decided to take a shower to energize me. I wasn’t paying too much attention while I was shaving and as a result nicked my right shin. I didn’t think too much of it, however, until my brother told me later in the day I looked like I had a snake bite. Aren’t siblings just the best? 

Strange as this probably sounds, I like to listen to music while I’m showering. My mind tends to wonder (which often results in me creating an anxiety-inducing to do list) when I’m rinsing off, so music helps me to center my thoughts so they don’t drift off to unpleasant places. The song I chose for today was “Hold Of Me” by Dean Lewis. After listening to it on repeat, I’ve had one of the lyrics stuck in my head all day: “I can see it on your face you’re hurting / Grab a hold of me.”

Little did I know how appropriate the message would be until later in the day. At noon, my mom and I huddled together on the couch around her computer to watch the National Scholastic Press Association’s (NSPA) award ceremony video. The guest speakers the video featured were interesting and nice to listen to, but in all honesty I wasn’t paying too much attention. I was too focused on the growing tension in my chest in anticipation of (hopefully) placing in Best of Show and earning the title of Pacemaker. 

Bearing News had been up as a Pacemaker Finalist since January, and I felt as if I’d poured my heart and soul into making it shine. I spent countless hours editing and cleaning up posts, adding excerpts and fixing tags, sharing stories on social media, making videos and producing content. I desperately wanted my efforts to have been enough to earn the publication its place on the hypothetical podium. 

As the ceremony progressed, my emotions plummeted from high to low in a matter of seconds. Even though we placed sixth nationally in COVID-19 coverage and placed second in Best of Show with The Rock for our broadsheet print publication category, Bearing News didn’t even make the top 10 in Best of Show for online. In a final, soul crushing realization as the livestream ended, I took in the devastating fact that Bearing News was not named Pacemaker for this year. 

I didn’t burst into tears. Instead, I looked over at my mom (our staff’s advisor and teacher) as my face fell. I could feel my face get hot and my throat tighten. Tears welled up in my eyes as I asked her, “What did I do wrong? What more could I have done?” Then the tears fell. I felt so guilty for our loss, as if NSPA’s decision was somehow completely my fault. All I had wanted was to make my advisor (my mother) proud, and I felt like a failure for not somehow securing a “win” for Bearing News.

She held my hand and told me none of this was my fault, and I should feel proud of everything I had accomplished this year as a leader. I nodded and agreed, but the weight didn’t leave my body. I thought we had done everything right (there wasn’t more we could do), yet for some arbitrary, unknown reason it just hadn’t been enough. I felt numb and angry and hurt and sad. 

I sat on the couch for a while as my mom held my hand. We were sad together. I texted my fellow Editor-In-Chief (EIC), Anna Xu, and asked if she had seen the sad news. She told me she had and was eating her sorrows. For the next 40 minutes or so, she, our advisor and I sent kind messages to one another in our group chat. We all felt the pain of not winning, and I took comfort in knowing I had a friend to lean on. 

I had expected to have a Zoom call for my Advanced Placement Psychology class at 1:30 p.m., so I logged into Zoom using the link our teacher had sent. As soon as I did, however, I got an email from him saying he’d only had two students show up to the meeting (which wasn’t supposed to have happened yet) and he would talk to us next week. I responded with a confused message about how the meeting wasn’t supposed to have happened yet but received no reply. I reached out to a few of my friends in the class, and they shared my confusion. After a few other people reached out to him, he finally responded saying he would have another meeting at 1 p.m. next Tuesday to correct the timing error.

Tired of receiving disappointing news, I wanted to move on with my day. In an attempt to pull myself out of my morose mood, I decided to follow Anna’s lead and eat my sorrows away by baking some oatmeal chocolate chip pecan cookies. For the next hour or so, I played loud music in the kitchen while mixing the batter, oats, chocolate chips and pecans together. While probably not my best batch, they served their purpose as I ate several once they had cooled from the oven. My family enjoyed them, too, which made me happy.

I watched two episodes of Criminal Minds and scrolled mindlessly through Pinterest for a while looking for something to brighten my mood. I had agreed to meet the Columbia Missourian reporter who is doing a mini documentary about me at RBHS tonight for the weekly light ceremony, so (with nothing better to do) I got ready. Because I had the time, I actually put in a little more effort than my usual yoga pants and old t-shirt. I picked out a comfortable yet semi-warm outfit and even attempted to do some makeup. I even went as far as to put in new contacts.

I rarely wear makeup, so what I do is basic at best (mascara, lipstick, blush and eyeshadow tends to do the trick). Plus, I knew by 8:20 p.m. there would be little light anyway. One of the perks of having showered early in the day was that my hair had curled naturally and looked slightly like a baby lion’s mane. Or at least that’s how I picture it. Once I had made myself up a little bit, I decided to take advantage of my rare moment of fanciness and go outside to hold an impromptu selfie photoshoot. 

I don’t consider myself to be the most photogenic person (not in a negative way or anything, but I do know when I’m actually smiling my eyes squinch up and my smile goes lopsided). When I was doing senior photos during the summer, I had to make sure to keep my eyes open so people could see my face. For this time, however, I wanted to have fun and enjoy the sunshine, so I ended up spinning in circles around my front yard capturing random shots of me in the trees and sunlight. They may not be the prettiest photos ever, but I had fun, which is really all that matters.

My parents and I got in the car to head to RBHS around 8 p.m. There were already plenty of kids and cars when I got there, but the temperature was on the brisk side, so I decided to stay in the car until I needed to get out. For the actual interview and B-roll part of the evening, I mainly answered a few simple questions about RBHS, what I’ve been doing and how I’m feeling. A friend of mine, Sarah Keely, came, so I hung out with her from a distance and petted her boyfriend’s dog, Lily, who was adorable. I saw a few friends from journalism, too, and we made a sort of triangle to talk for a few minutes and catch up. 

Around 8:40 p.m. I got back in the car and headed home. My dad said he was hungry, so we ended up stopping at Andy’s Frozen Custard to pick up a couple of sweet treats. For the rest of the evening, my parents and brother hung out downstairs watching TV together while I took some much needed quiet time for myself upstairs. 

My heart still hurts from not winning Pacemaker, but with time I’m sure to recover. I care deeply about storytelling, and I hope in the future the truths I tell will change the world for the better. Nevertheless, I still feel like crying just a little bit, so I hope that passes soon. I could not have asked for a better co-EIC to have shared the craziness that is this year with. I am so grateful for everything she has done for me and the publication. She is one of the best people I know, and I have learned so much from her. She makes this world a little bit brighter every day. For all the heartache and sorrow that comes from journalism (as in life), I still hold on to all the joy and knowledge my time on staff has given me. I can only hope people for years to come appreciate the legacy of this incredible program and its outstanding advisor.

“Strange how we decorate pain.” ― Margaret Atwood[/penci_text_block][TS_VCSC_Lightbox_Gallery content_images=”330692,330693,330694,330695,330696,330697,330698,330699,330700,330701,330702,330703,330704,330705,330706,330707,330708,330710,330711,330712,330713,330714″ content_images_size=”full” content_images_titledata=”caption” content_title=”A glimpse into Bailey Stover’s 31st day of social distancing” data_grid_preloader=”-1″ lightbox_effect=”simpleSwitch”][/TS_VCSC_Lightbox_Gallery][penci_text_block block_title_align=”style-title-left” custom_markup_1=””]How did you spend your 31st day of social distancing? Let us know in the comments below.[/penci_text_block]